What Happened To All the Nice guys

I see this question posted with some regularity in the personals section, so I thought I’d take a minute to explain things to the ladies out there that haven’t figured it out.

What happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He’d tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn’t feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were fucking treated you.

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were “just friends.” Besides, he totally wasn’t your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn’t know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren’t the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you’re single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, “What happened to all the nice guys?”

Well, once again, you did.

You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive “just-a-” friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren’t really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you’re upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he’d have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an asshole than he ever wanted to be.

Fact is, now, he’s probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I’m sorry that it took the complete absence of “nice guys” in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.

So, if you’re looking for a nice guy, here’s what you do:

1.) Build a time machine.
2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.
3.) Take a look at what’s right in front of you and grab ahold of it.

I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don’t really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.

If you were five years younger.

So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you’ve fucked yourself over. You’re getting older, after all. It’s time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn’t want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn’t fucking want you, now.

Sincerely,

A Recovering Nice Guy

I did not write this.. It was taken from a best of craiglist post.

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12 thoughts on “What Happened To All the Nice guys

  1. I’m sorry, but I really cannot agree with your views about love, dating etc, especially your stance on ‘nice guys’. I recognise that it is really hard being in the friend zone (trust me, it doesn’t just happen to guys) but please try and see it from the other side. If you become friends with a girl, lavish attention on her and she still doesn’t like you romantically, it doesn’t mean that she just can’t see what’s in front of her. To put it bluntly, all it means is that she doesn’t like you like that. It’s a sad fact of life that there will always be people who don’t love you, just as there will always be people who you won’t love as well.
    Try putting yourself in the woman’s shoes. How would you feel if you found out that a friend you trusted and cared about only got to know you so he could try and get in your pants? How would you feel knowing that someone you care about loves you in a way that you can’t reciprocate? Would you tell him the truth, or would you fake romantic feelings just to avoid hurting him? These kinds of situations are difficult on both sides rather than just the guy’s.
    One piece of advice that I can give you is this: expect nothing but friendship. If, when you meet a girl, you are only interested in a romantic relationship, you are much more likely to be disappointed. And if you don’t respect the girl’s choice of partner, you’ll become just as bad as the guy she’s dating.
    Do girls want nice guys? Yes: no-one wants to be treated badly. But remember, people will put up with a lot from the person they love. You might be a better boyfriend in the long run, but unless there’s feelings involved then the game won’t change.

    • The reason why I tend to focus on a man view is because the dating scene falls firmly in favor of women. There comes a time in life when we have to be honest an make choices, not only that help us but also the ones we call friends. I once heard the statement men dont have female friends, only women they haven’t screwed yet. Time an time again I have witnessed the fail of the friend zone an what it does to nice guys. They try an try an fail to get a woman to notice them an then they become a non threat an end up in the friend zone. They don’t know any better, but they cling to the hope that the female will come around. This effects there whole life, because any other chances they would have with other women are greatly lower. If however another woman takes notice of a guy in another female friend zone an wants to get to know him better the female he was holding out for will then see the value an become jealous an want to make something there also. This is what I like to call the law of females. Are all females like that? I would say over 90% are. I respect your opinion of the matter, but at the same time it is proven time an time again that the two can’t be friends. This is why in other cultures women aren’t allowed to mix with other men. I would also add that the line of evidence is strongly on my side of the discussion.
      Next I will address the topic of looking at it through a woman’s eyes. I find it funny that a woman can pick up on a lie, but can’t tell if someone is into her. Humans are fragile creatures mentally, nothing says I’m wanted more than some poor guy coming to your whim, praising your outfit ect. This also raises your attractive level sorta like a guy with a wedding ring. So I will hold to my having your cake an eating it too thoughts on that. Also if a woman wants a man an she’s hanging around in his friend zone, then I give her the same advice tell him or move on with her life.

      Lastly do women like nice guys? NO, why do I say that? Because they can’t see a nice guy, he lacks sex appeal an excitement. I did a blog on this subject an I stated that a nice guy must market himself correctly in order to be noticed. Women tend to like the alpha male which is generally not the nice guy. It is or nature. If was to walk up to you a stutter through a compliment of your eyes you would say thanks an move on. However if I was to confidently walk up an start up a conversation with you about how your eye color would better match your clothes if you wore less red an more pink, you would remember me. An perhaps I would get your number. That is not the trait of a nice guy. So women like nice guys but they aren’t attracted to them.

      • First of all, WOW. You’re making massive generalisations about what women want. You are viewing women almost as a separate species: we’re not. When you get to know a woman, you need to get to know her as a human being, as an individual, rather than assuming what she wants and how she’ll react because she’s a woman. We’re just as capable of rational thought as you are.
        Secondly, where is your evidence? You seem to be relying on anecdotes rather than facts to make your points, and if you’re going to bring statistics into it I’d certainly like to see some citations. As for anecdotes, I’m pretty sure that I can think of several from my dating history that could contradict every point you made. Please clarify this, especially how you think the dating scene favours women (I’m not really clear about what you meant).
        Lack of attention affects everyone, not just nice guys. Not every woman has men throwing themselves at her left, right and centre. Hoping that someone will eventually like you is not something that only men experience.
        And lastly, that little scenario at the end doesn’t illustrate your point. Confidence is not a trait which is unique to jerks – nice guys can be confident too! If you aren’t having much success with women, maybe you need to build up your confidence, try dating different women etc.
        Just remember this one thing: DO NOT GENERALISE. You do not know what all women want because women are individuals who want different things. If you keep applying this attitude to every woman you meet it’ll only end in tears.

      • The one you actually picked wasn’t written by me but re-posted, which I stated in the blog. I would also in-ploy you to Google the friend zone and nice guys an see what other people think about the subject. I am far from alone in my thinking.

        An yes the dating scene does favor women. If a women goes to the bar an wants to get laid, there’s a 100% chance she will get laid. If a man goes to the bar an wants to get laid, there’s about less than 20% chance that it will happen. Society has dictated that it is the MAN who approaches the woman, not vise versa. You may argue that you have approached men or know a woman or women who have. Well guess what that doesn’t matter because it is still far from the norm. So not only does the man have to prove himself worthy to go out with you, but he is at your mercy for rejection or acceptance. That includes rejections in the form of I’m to busy or I’m focusing on work. All lies an rejections. So not only do I have to work up the courage to throw myself at your mercy then I also have to reach in my pocket to pay the for the date. SO far I have yet to name a single thing the woman is responsible for besides determining my fate in the relationship. I could take you on a date an you like me, but then some other guy comes an sweeps you away. Do I get reimbursed for my efforts? Nope I suck it up an drive on, get back on my horse ride out again. Why, because I have no choice, if I ever want to be with some one I must continue doing this. Now don’t get me wrong people out there may treat women bad or men may not throw themselves at you. Is that our fault? I personally don’t know many men that has turned down a woman asking him out.

        As for lack of attention, women do not receive a lack of attention, they just want more. Where ever you go that men are nearby, they are more than likely checking you out negative or positively. I can’t speak for woman they tend to spend a lot of time in their own heads in my opinion. I could be wrong I am not a woman.

        Confidence, people tend to be the most confident in things they are good at. I am not good at approaching women, I am aware of that. I am however confident in the fact that I can hold an excellent conversation. I am confident in my looks an many other aspects in my life. That just means that I have lack confidence where I need it the most if I ever want a mate. Since women can sense confidence in your approach not having it lowers your value in their eyes an may even cause them to pity you. People who tend to have confidence in asking out women tend to be the ones who do it a lot an are good at it. I date what I can get actually which has been nothing for quite a while now. That is why I am making the change from nice guy to a well marketed nice guy an I am already seeing promise an success.

        Lastly women are vastly different than men. If you do not understand that then you have missed something. Women are emotional while men are logical. Women are complicated an never really say what they mean directly. While men are pretty direct an clear with no underlining meanings. I am not saying that this is true for all of both sides but I say that for most. We may have common interest but we aren’t alike in our thinking an other patterns. That is the driving purpose behind the thousands of self help books for dating an understanding women.

        It is important that I point out that I love women even if I don’t quite understand what is going on in their head. I am single because I failed to prove myself in their eyes or create the right comfort zone. The woman don’t go to the nice guy, she goes to the guy who proves himself or forces her to prove herself to him. 🙂

      • Well, it looks like we’re going to have to agree to disagree on this one. I can certainly say that none of the generalisations you made would be what I would do in that situation, but that’s just me.
        I have looked up the friend zone, and I have read what nice guys and other people think on the subject. I can also tell you that your statistics are wrong – not every woman who wants to get laid does so. Women and men are different, yes, but we do not have a secret code, or a special way of thinking. If you want more women’s opinions on the ‘nice guy’ syndrome, Google ‘heartless bitches international’, it’s a website where they have lots of women’s opinions about things like that. You might find it useful.
        I will say this: if the women you date expect you to pay for everything and don’t put in any effort, you’re dating the wrong kind of woman. For example, a lot of my friends feel really uncomfortable when the guy tries to pay for everything on a date, and are just as capable of asking out the guys! Perhaps you should try looking to meet women in different places?
        Best of luck!

      • Yes we can agree to disagree. I stated that there are exceptions to the rule in every case. An just because they are capable don’t mean they will lol. Actually the laid example came from the many sexual harassment exercises I had to sit through. The two of us have lead very different lives, I have been on one date in my 25 years an have never been in a relationship. Is it because I’m broke? No I could never understand what women was saying or implying. An I have what people call approach anxiety. Which generally means I have an extremely hard time approaching women.

  2. I have to say, from a woman’s perspective. . . I completely agree with you! Women have turned nice guys into assholes. It’s sad but it is definitely true. . . So now women like me who appreciated the nice guy and never fell for the bad boy are stuck with all the assholes because all the nice guys are truly gone. . .

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